My Blog for November

12^th November 2004

It’s 4:45 pm in the afternoon, on this second Friday of November 2004. I’ve been feeling a little better since morning; although every time I think of him, I feel my stomach knotting. It feels like some sort of morbid fear, as if I’ve lost a portion of my soul. I don’t know how long this pain will linger on, it seems almost irreparable. Every time I think of him, my mind takes me back to all those times I’d spent with my dearest Pabamam, I feel deeply hurt. He’s just gone, in a flash.

Every time I’ve called to speak to my mother and aunt in Mulki, all I hear is about the objects he’s left behind in our new home. His music CDs, his books, his little table fan, a table lamp, and some other articles. They are surrounded by his memories and his little memorabilia; I wonder how they’re trying to come to terms with each glimpse of these objects. My mom’s grief is unbearable for her; she sits and recalls all the wonderful things he would bring for his kid sister; the Bata chappals, the sarees, money for movie tickets and ice cream. It seems as though a huge void has been left in our lives and we’re standing on the edge, looking down into emptiness.

This emptiness consumes me; my stomach hurts. He is never coming back. Never. I won’t even get to see him. On my part, I’ve just told my mother to hug him hard and say, it’s from me. For everything he’s done for me, for all those years of advice, lots and lots of love and encouragement. I never even got to say thank you. I remember how he would say that as every generation grows up, the children tend to experiment playfully and try out new things. These adventures are often mischievous and very unnerving to elders sometimes. He had seen me do this as a toddler, and he was only happier to see Priyanka and Varun do the same. He would always say that it is vital to encourage such playfulness. His big smile, the aura and all the glory.

Whenever I think about never being able to see him, my mind panics and I feel like screaming aloud. It feels like something inside me wants to break free; my heart wants out. I just want to see him right now. Even if it’s his lifeless shell; at least I will get to hug him; scream at him and ask why did he leave us in such a hurry. There were so many things to do, I had so much to show him and share.