When You Feel The Urge to Purge, It's an upSurge! (Act I)

Four Unlikely Idiots. One Mission. A Petrified Audience.

Prologue
I stand before you with my case. The case of the unperturbed audience, a rogue director, the five most miserable characters ever penned, a movie plot that would qualify for a very violent variance at the city building department and bad guys who'd put even a harmless mouse to shame. Even Mickey would unwillingly pick up a jungle knife and speculate about carving his name in Goofy's chest after witnessing their performance. What was Vikram Bhatt thinking? That he could mislead an audience that's gullible enough to accept verbal diarrhoea as narration? Or how about an incredibly dumb journalist who blackmails an industrialist only to fall in love with him later at the prospect of going after the bad guy. Who's skillfully lodged his posterior in the icy Swiss mountains surrounded by henchmen smart enough to camouflage their sorry selves as milk chocolate delivering bovine creatures in beenie caps and primary colored jackets.

HELLO? Yellow, red and orange do not qualify as camouflage. Especially in snow. Also, machine guns, uzis and AK-47s have recoils violent enough to knock your teeth out. Even Rambo fuelled & ready to jet-propel on a potent mixture of cocaine, steriods, bull-semen and caffeine will not be able to aim with machine guns in each hand & find marks for them targets while gingerly steering a snow mobile between his thighs and steel encased testicles. If Mr.Bhatt thought the casual cinema buffoon would believe such hogwash, he's sadly mistaken. And if you believe that Amisha Patel or Lara Dutta can use a firearm, you're an asshole. Like me.

The good parts first. Mithunda as the baddie, Baba Sikander. Good bad guy. Cold as a turkey sandwich. Lacking emotion, pretty much what the role demands. I won't say more. The dude's a three time National Award winner, and I love him! Lara 'Flamin Bombshell' Dutta! For those of you who don't know who this mistress of melting chocolate, princess of pistachio cream is; that's the first chick in the image on top. She sizzles on the screen like spring onions and bell peppers on a Fajita plate, straight outta the fire-grill. I wanna be her tortilla!!! Waaaa!!! If you know what I mean. Acting skills don't count as long as she dances like it's mating season for peacocks and fakes violent heart attacks coupled with spasms in a black sari and other revealing attire. It's all good. Rahul Khanna is all right. Arjun Rampal is pretty good as a cop, but in the second half he hams his way to try and beat death, and unfortunately fails. He's shot about 565 times before he succumbs to a mortal shot of superglue goat cheese. John Abraham as the Mumbaiyya tapori (hoodlum from Bombay) is convincing too. I definitely saw shades of Sunju baba in his delivery and performance. But I forgive you John. You're a good actor and even though I usually don't talk about the way guys look; I'd say youse a good lookin' fella. So, you get the pass dude.

Amisha Patel. Milady, if you wanted to work on your career as eyecandy, you should've modelled and catwalked your way into the fashion world. Where the thin meet the thin air. Ah, but most models and catwalking felines look like they have a strict diet and exercise schedule to follow. One stringbean for breakfast, half an egg shell and dew on the bottle of orange juice for lunch. Dinner usually consists of staring at condiments and sucking on a wet wad of cotton. Youse babe, on the other hand indulged furiously on things that qualify as fattening and bear nutritional value. Big mistake. A woman's body is a miraculous work of art. The gentle curves are inspirations for artists and invigorate poets to pen encyclopedias full of praises. You have broken a few rules sugarpants. That extra baggage on your sides and posterior is a ghastly sight to bear while you dance in tight hipsters and them sides flap like the jowls on a bassett hound. Please don't do that. You stand a good two feet tall. Capitalize on that and dress up like Santa; you'll have more appeal.

Next: The movie plot and the ultimate battle of good Vs. evil. Minus the popcorn.