Introduction to Drunken Stupor, If That.

Yes, I did it. After 16 months of keeping away from the forbidden alcohol binges, I indulged. Just a one time deal, mind you! It was a fun filled evening with some friends, a strikingly beautiful bartender, a psychotic teeth-chattering waitress and some wrestlers. Nothing’s more satisfying than metamorphosizing from a sober, sane individual to a drunken, gibberish babbling twit. A couple of us ended up at Barney’s this evening and I took a trip to the place I haven’t been in years. Of course, my head spun like a caffeine induced turbine and I danced my way to the men’s room every 20 minutes while singing ‘Rudolf the shitfaced reindeer’.

The guilty party included Gurmukh, Will and Justin with cameos by Shane & Gary. I didn’t feel much embarrassed since there were other morons who were giving me a run for my money. Some decided to chat up pool cues while others appreciated the audacious characteristics of beer kegs. Everybody was hitting on the women present in the bar. Trouble was, these ladies were also drunk and in a state of mind to only check their lipstick and perfect the art of slurry speech. I laughed, giggled and kept wiping my forehead. I chugged down half a pizza like I was wiping my face with it. While I was at it, I came up with some insane yet comprehensible conclusions. Please take a moment to read these and giggle at my stupidity.

• I don’t have a face; it’s more like a surface
• White Russian’s not just a concoction of Kahlua, vodka and milk
• It’s rocket fuel. When mixed with Jack Daniels
• If alcohol’s a crutch, Jack Daniels is the wheelchair (thanks Robin Williams)
• A thumb in my eye after six white Russians feels like, nothing
• One tends to hallucinate about ‘Nacho Libre’ wrestlers after a few drinks
• Alcohol makes you horny and crave for cigars
• If I ever drink again, it’ll be when people realize that cut okras is a conspiracy to convert everyone
• If I ever drink again it will be when I am able to score more than 160 on an IQ test by cheating
• If this face ever makes contact with booze, it’ll be when mankind realizes that chicken pot pies are actually alien ships

So there, I said it.