Think Like A Cactus

“I got a business card made, because I want to win some lunches. That's what my business card says: "Mitch Hedberg, potential lunch winner.”

"This product that was on TV was available for four easy payments of $19.95. I would like a product that was available for three easy payments and one complicated payment. We can't tell you which payment it is, but one of these payments is going to be a bitch. The mailman will get shocked to death, the envelope will not be sealed and the stamp will be in the wrong denomination..."