Sub Wars: Fresh Toasted Holy Sith
When Did I last Eat Fresh?
Diet! After three long years of six inch turkey subs and foot long veggie facelifts, the calorie wars are nearly at an end. The Fat of the land is crumbling under attacks by the ruthless weightloss Lord Round Jared Fogle. There are fatsos on both sides. Mustard n' Mayo is everywhere.
In a stunning move, the fiendish Lettuce Corporation, Subway, has swept into the television capital and is broadcasting emotionless teeth chattering commercials starring Jared. The incredible idiot has the same silly grin for all 65,789 Subway commercials. A grin that distantly reminds of an unwavering urge for a quick, potent Pepto Bismol swig. The TV audiences are terrorized and petrified.
As the Separatist TV audiences like myself attempt to flee the besieged TV channels with their valuable hostage a Quizno sub, two nutrition knights lead a desperate mission to rescue the captive Chancellor Chicken Carbonara.
Messy Guacamole and Amuffin Ryewalker rescue the quizno sub, but then the Wheat over Rye Council dispatches Guacamole to bring lettuce laden subs to justice. Meanwhile, back on Croissant, Chancellor Chicken Carbonara has grown in power. His sweeping political changes transform the condiment-weary Republic into the mighty Lettuce laden Empire. All Subway subs hence dispatched contain very little 'real deal' and tonnes of lettuce. To his closest ally, the muffin, he reveals the true nature of power and the promised secrets of stuffing sandwiches with mountains of lettuce in an attempt to lure him to the dark side.
Mmm.. Mmm.. Mmm.. Nasty?
Subway sandwiches used to be good! But the last four Subway outlets that I've visited, the experience has been, may I say, dark. Seems like there are storm troopers behind the counter, at battle and they're running out of supplies. Why would they otherwise provide me with one single, solitary paper napkin? It feels like giving a wookie a razor blade and 0.08 ounce of shaving cream. Or forcing them to wear fur. Or maybe asking Yoda to be coherent. Sent to Mustafar to shovel hot lava and sit on sharp, unfriendly objects, I could be, dare I ask for more.
PLEASE NO MORE LETTUCE!!!!!
(With all apologies to Subway & Quiznos; no please don't sue me, I'm just a poor boy!)
In a stunning move, the fiendish Lettuce Corporation, Subway, has swept into the television capital and is broadcasting emotionless teeth chattering commercials starring Jared. The incredible idiot has the same silly grin for all 65,789 Subway commercials. A grin that distantly reminds of an unwavering urge for a quick, potent Pepto Bismol swig. The TV audiences are terrorized and petrified.
As the Separatist TV audiences like myself attempt to flee the besieged TV channels with their valuable hostage a Quizno sub, two nutrition knights lead a desperate mission to rescue the captive Chancellor Chicken Carbonara.
Messy Guacamole and Amuffin Ryewalker rescue the quizno sub, but then the Wheat over Rye Council dispatches Guacamole to bring lettuce laden subs to justice. Meanwhile, back on Croissant, Chancellor Chicken Carbonara has grown in power. His sweeping political changes transform the condiment-weary Republic into the mighty Lettuce laden Empire. All Subway subs hence dispatched contain very little 'real deal' and tonnes of lettuce. To his closest ally, the muffin, he reveals the true nature of power and the promised secrets of stuffing sandwiches with mountains of lettuce in an attempt to lure him to the dark side.
Mmm.. Mmm.. Mmm.. Nasty?
Subway sandwiches used to be good! But the last four Subway outlets that I've visited, the experience has been, may I say, dark. Seems like there are storm troopers behind the counter, at battle and they're running out of supplies. Why would they otherwise provide me with one single, solitary paper napkin? It feels like giving a wookie a razor blade and 0.08 ounce of shaving cream. Or forcing them to wear fur. Or maybe asking Yoda to be coherent. Sent to Mustafar to shovel hot lava and sit on sharp, unfriendly objects, I could be, dare I ask for more.
PLEASE NO MORE LETTUCE!!!!!
(With all apologies to Subway & Quiznos; no please don't sue me, I'm just a poor boy!)
posted by Shaking Shenoy at 5/24/2005 12:23:00 AM
4 Comments:
The latest one is incredibly inane: double the menu! how? well, toasted or untoasted... well dude, jai sandwich outside thadomal also does that
we're double the idiots for accepting such intergalactic crap
ha hahahah hahah hahah!
i shall never walk into a subway's again, for fear of contracting the dark side.
dude, you totally have to read...oh shite. the new yorker doesn't have the new star wars review up yet. well, it's fucking funny. oh wait. nevermind. found it.
p.s. love the flickr do-hickey.
zimbly amazin'
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