Fees. The New Carcinogen.

Late Fees. Fines. Assessment fees. Adjustment fees. Felicitation fees. Convenience charges. Cats shit in a box fees. This isn't news to anyone who has had banking / ticketing/ cell phone bills experience; especially in the United States. I have come to realize in my infinite wisdom that late fees are as unavoidable as death and sliced bread. Unless you wear animal skin to cover your genitalia, thump your chest demanding breakfast, urinate to prove who's the daddy and use sand instead of toilet paper. Which means that you have to be living in the jungles of Bengala and believe that there will be a sequel to 'Planet of the Apes' which will feature Marky Mark's new single 'Gorilla Rap'. OOn Oooon OOOOOnn!

Last night while trying to sleep in this ever increasing SoCal heat, I was thinking of different scenarios in the future where late fees and charges of similar nature could be assessed. Corporations have always campaigned to be philanthropes helping to make this world a better place. A bitter place is more like it. My credit history, thanks to my two year hiatus as a student has become so notorious, it can easily be passed for a hideous criminal's rap sheet. I could commit suicide by gagging on my credit card bills. Or maybe slit my wrists with a Mastershard. But then I'd be a coward. Who knows, I might just qualify.

At the end of it all, it wasn't a very pretty picture... So here goes!

1) You didn't tender the exact amount while boarding a bus. You could be assessed a 'driver hates your low denomination ass' fee.

2) You didn't replace an apple in its right spot at the grocers'. You could be charged a 'fruit violation / misdemeanor' fee.

3) You spilled some coffee on a table at a coffee house. A 'insolent, insensitive assclown' fee seems appropriate.

4) This one's for guys. You scratch your balls in public. You would qualify for a 'this ain't your ballpark nutsack' fee.

5) This one's nasty. You got laid on the 17th date. It was over in 33 seconds. You WILL be charged a 'loss of libido' fees.

6) You've been very cocky in your conversations, lately. You walk with a swagger and think you're one tough sonovabitch. You will be assessed a 'Clint Eastwood Not' fee.

7) Nasty one for the guys. Again. In the mens room, you managed to spill a few drops outside the allocated urinal. 'Shaken but not stirred' fees applies.

8) Your smoking habit triggered a few coughs and a some dropped dead in a flash. This bill is still under evaluation; you would be charged 'next time we'll light yo ass' fee.

9) You use a left handed mouse. You will be charged a 'Right Handed Radical Regiment' fees.

10) You sneered at another man's dog while walking yours. You will be charged a 'Acting like a biyatch' fee.

So, there it is. In the name of the good Lod. Watch your actions. Be aware.