Desi "Billy the Kid": Bullets & Bisibelebath*

Rajnihound & Greyhound

The God of style. The 'auto' in the autorickshaw. The 'squint' in the quintessential. The man who flicks a match into thin air and lights a smoke. Faster than a speeding bullet, quicker than the quickest of cats, meaner than a misdemeanor, Rajni doesn't just rock the banana boat, he skins it! No actor across the world can parallel his antics, his style and the sultanian** ass kicking he delivers, right to the doorstep of baddies. I know you would find it hard to believe, but he is truly a gifted actor and an immensely gifted growler. Am I being critical? Huh, not even close!

Background Scenario: A tired cop, defeated by the red tape in society, beaten to the punch. Constantly reminded of a cruel end which will arrive without warning, thanks to a tumor throbbing inside his law-abiding cranium. Months roll by as the baddies gnaw furiously at Chicken McNuggets while shamelessly watching the five hundred pound gorilla-heroine dance in skimpy clothes to the glorified whistles of the heartless cinema hall patrons.

Scenario One: The final battle begins. Good guy versus extremely bad n plump guys. Guns blaze, knives exchange hands in the cross fire, a punch here, a kick in the nuts there and the final moment is forged over a mound of innumerable henchmen bodies. The hero runs in slo-mo, our own Rajni in a barrage of bullets while the upper echelon of gun totting bad guys unleashes several rounds of .38's across with unabashed accuracy. A single bullet finds it mark. While in his flight, Rajni's firing too and all the bad guys except the supreme bad guy of bad guys splutch across the screen like moths across the windsheild of a speeding car.

The single bullet. Shoots across the scene, suddenly the frames shift to bullet-time and the projectile punctures the skull of our hero; The frames change to X-ray vision and the bullet makes contact with the lonely tumor which in turn disengages itself from the frontal lobe and what remains is an exit wound in the shape of the ... tumor. For some odd reason, the tumor resembles a very vocal and well plucked cauliflower pod. What we did NOT know was a team of government financed brain surgeons spent a gruelling thirteen hours carefully etching a bullseye with a laser on that tumor. Mission accomplished. A hearty reunion follows. He will live, afterall...

Scenario Two: The final vendetta. Two baddies left. Our hero speeds across the screen like a helpless man yielding to a defeaning, ear-splitting call of nature with a revolver in one hand and a jack knife in the other. Now, to the curious observer either he's going to shoot one bad guy and knife the other or, he's going to circumcise them both. But no! Rajni has another brilliant idea..rr. He stops running, and not because he's wet himself. He aims ahead while the two baddies stare back at him waiting to see what happens. The poor souls. He skillfully places the knife a few inches in front of the barrel of his revolver and fires. The bullet exits, splits in half and finds both the targets. The baddies drop dead. Instantly. Fucking brilliant!

Scenario Three: The great wall. That separates the bad guy from our good guy. Our knight in shining armor is left with two revolvers, a single bullet in each and a predicament. He cannot fire through a ten inch wall to kill the villain and he cannot let the villain escape. So he does what a genius with seventeen pancakes in his belly would do. Fling one revolver into the air and with amazing precision fire at the trigger of that revolver. The firearm in question thats dangling in mid air tilts at the calculated angle of 67.53 degrees 13 minutes and at the same time, the projectile from the other firearm makes contact with its trigger. And you thought rocket science was more calculated. BANG! The second firearm thats still dangling in mid air goes off killing the villain on the other side. Instantly.

End Note: So, like I said. Brilliant is an understatement. There isn't a single language in this world which can describe Rajni's creativity and disposition on different methods of making bad guys meet their match. Don't even think about it pal. If Rajni gets a word of it, you'd be in no position to find a place to hide your sorry ass.

*Desi: As in East Indian, uberchutzpahmeister
**sultanian: Akin to the style of a Sultan
*Bisibelebath: A spicy South Indian mainframe dish made with rice lentils and gunpowder.